No two sex lives are the same. And no one sex life looks the same at any given point in time. The way we have and experience sex changes constantly over the course of our lives. During puberty it’s almost all you can think about. During times of crisis, it’s probably not very high on your priority list. Sometimes we obsess over it. Sometimes it conflicts us. And sometimes we go for long stretches of time when we don’t do it at all. These sexless spans of time are not so lovingly referred to as “dry spells.” They happen to the best of us.
There are a myriad of reasons that a dry spell might come along in your life. Right now, for instance, we’re in a global pandemic, which presents a pretty obvious roadblock to hooking up on the regular. Many people choose to go through periods of celibacy for spiritual, psychological, or health reasons. For a lot of people, hormonal changes that are brought about by aging affect the libido and other areas of sexual function. One of the most common places for a sexual desert to materialize is in a long-term relationship. It’s a universal joke that marriage and commitment lead to less sex, or no sex at all. Keeping the sexual spark alive in a relationship is the Mount Everest that couples everywhere are constantly trying to summit. An unwanted dry spell is the key ingredient to dissatisfaction and frustration.
But as long as you want it to, every dry spell can come to an end, and when it does, of course you want to be ready. Getting back in the saddle after a sexless stretch can be stressful and nerve-wracking, but it doesn’t have to be! Here are some tips to keep you grounded and get you ready to get back in the groove.
Make sure you’re mentally ready for sex.
Obviously sex is a largely physical activity, but it isn’t all about your body. Whether you’re in it for romance and commitment or not, having sex involves making a mental connection just as much as it does a physical one. When you have sex with someone, you’re putting yourself in a position of vulnerability. You’re inviting someone to see you naked, physically and psychologically. That’s something you need to be ready for.
If you’re having a dry spell in a relationship, chances are there are some underlying issues rolled into the reasons you haven’t had sex. Before you jump back into it, check in with yourself and make sure you aren’t harboring any resentment or insecurity. Those things tend to make sex less fun, and no one wants that!
Don’t expect perfection.
Sex is kind of like riding a bicycle. You won’t forget how to do it. But if it’s been a while in a dry spell, you might not have all the moves in your front pocket that you once did. And that’s okay! Just like it’s not the first time you’ll ever have sex, it won’t be the last time. Take pressure off yourself for the sex to be amazing right off the bat. The idea of “if you don’t use it, you lose it” is a bunch of malarkey. In actuality, it’s more like: “If you pause it, you need a couple rounds before you’re batting 1000 again.” So give yourself a break, let things happen naturally, and enjoy the ride!
Practice on yourself.
Your pleasure is of primary importance when getting back into the sexual swing of things. So to make sure you’ve got the hang of making yourself feel good, amp up your masturbation game! If you can’t make yourself feel good, it’s going to be a lot harder to make someone else feel good. So do yourself a favor and give your body a little extra love. Masturbating is the perfect little oasis you can make for yourself in a dry spell.
If you’re looking for some help in the self pleasure department, try using a new product to supplement your session. Tabu is a great product for a healthy sexual wellness routine made specifically for people going through menopause. Later in life, people who experience menopause often will also go through long periods without sex. Tabu helps bridge the gap between aging and sexual pleasure.
Prime your body for sex.
Would you run a marathon without training? Probably not. The same concept applies to sex. Sure, you could go into it without doing anything to get your body ready, and it would still be good! Sex is kinda like pizza that way. But imagine how much better it would be if you were primed and prepared for it. You can do this in small ways. Do some stretches! Get a little cardio in. If you’re into it, engage in some extra grooming and skincare. Not only will all of this get you in fighting shape for a bedroom romp, but it’ll also probably boost your confidence at the same time.
If you want to go the extra mile, start doing kegel exercises to pump up your pelvic muscles. Strengthening them can lead to better control and more powerful orgasms when you do start having sex again. There are also products like the Yarlap, which does your kegels for you, that can aid you in your journey to rock hard PC muscles.
Talk about it.
The best way to alleviate any mental anguish about getting back into banging is to communicate about it openly with your partner. If it’s a new partner, mentioning that “it’s been a while” is a subtle way to release some pressure to perform.
If you’re in a serious relationship, communication is even more important. A lot of couples get into a routine and almost a state of denial about their sexual relationship. Talk to each other about the fact that you’re having a dry spell. Let each other in on your feelings about it. Moving into new sexual territory is always more successful when you move as a united front.
Laurie Magers is a comedy writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her favorite color is red and her favorite food is crab legs. Check out more from her at www.lauriemagers.com.