In a perfect world, we would all be able to have sex whenever the mood strikes, free of inhibition, obstacle, or obstruction. We would do it in the kitchen in the middle of the day, maybe in the living room at dusk. But for many of us, privacy is a luxury that we don’t quite have in our homes. Whether it be roommates, neighbors, kids, or other family members, plenty of sexually active adults live with other people.
So what do you do when you’re horny in a full house? How can you scratch your sexual itch when you don’t have the comfort of solitude? Fear not. There is hope for ye horny folk, yet. Here are some ways you can have sex in a full house while staying secretive.
Get steamy in the shower.
It might not be the most spacious setting, but bathrooms are the pinnacle of privacy when you’re living with others. You don’t have to worry about anyone bothering you or barging in as long as the shower is running and the door is locked. If you’re single, bring a water-safe toy with you and get a little dirty before you wash yourself clean. If you’re looking to have sex with a partner, the noise of the shower will likely drown out the sound—just go in and exit at separate times so no one knows what you’ve been up to.
Plus, shower sex lends itself to certain positions that you might skip over while getting it on elsewhere. Just remember to keep soap away from open orifices and that water does not double as lube.
Be an early riser.
If you’re into morning sex, set your alarm a bit earlier than you normally would. Wipe the sleep from your eyes, roll over, and get it in first thing in the morning. If you’re up before the sun, chances are you’ll be up before anyone else in the house too—just make sure your alarm isn’t so alarming that it would wake people in other rooms. (And remember not to hit the snooze so you don’t miss out on sexy time.)
Not a morning person? You can do the reverse and stay up long past everyone else’s bedtime. Either way, you’ll be having O’s while everyone else is catching Z’s.
Have sex off the bed.
Bed frames and box springs tell no lies when it comes to sex. That unmistakable sound of two bodies bouncing together in bed seems to permeate even the thickest walls and announce your love-making to the masses. But you can avoid the dreaded “creak creak creak” by doing your business on the floor! Throw down some pillows for comfort, blankets for warmth, and sheets to protect you from rug burn, then bang it out on the ground.
You’ll be surprised at how much harder you can go when you don’t have to worry about the sturdiness of the structure you’re rocking on. You may have to muffle your moans with the pillows and keep the spanking to a minimum, but sometimes restrictions make sex all the more fun.
Depending on the age of your housemates, consider being honest and upfront about your plans to get it on. You can relieve yourself of the worry of getting caught by putting it all out there in the first place. It might involve a touch of scheduling, but you would be surprised at how understanding people can be. Maybe your roommate can take a walk in the afternoon and leave the house available for your erotic romps. Maybe telling them will unlock a new level of bonding and respect that you didn’t suspect you could achieve.
Of course, be mindful of the nature of your relationships and do your best not to make others uncomfortable. But if we all start normalizing sex, the world would be a better and more pleasurable place.
Cohabitation is complicated, especially when it comes to sex. But where there’s a will, there’s a way to home base. With some planning, creativity, and a little communication, all your wildest sex dreams can come true, even if you’re living in a full house.
Laurie Magers is a comedy writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her favorite color is red and her favorite food is crab legs. Check out more from her at www.lauriemagers.com.